When Siobhan Pokorney looks back on her first dorm experience, she knows that speaking up about her roommate’s noisy ways could have made the year a lot easier. Pokorney—who attended Marist College in Poughkeepsie, New York—says her roommate didn’t do anything glaringly wrong, but being woken up by her loud music and other random noises really grated on her nerves. “It just made it uncomfortable,” says Pokorney—but talking about it seemed even harder. “We just let it sit there,” she admits. “I was nervous about what would happen, and I’m not good with confrontation. And we shared the same friends.” The college years are a big transition for most students as they navigate new relationships on campus and try to maintain relationships with friends and family back home. Here's what you can do to
1. Learn to communicate effectively
Sometimes the biggest challenges for a healthy relationship—whether it’s with a roommate, a romantic partner, a family member, or even a professor—are different communication styles and unclear expectations, says Melinda DuBois, Administrative Director for Student Health and Counseling at the State University of New York at Geneseo. “Without the ability to communicate desires and set rules about relationships and communication styles, it is a setup for conflict,” she says. Looking back, Pokorney realizes not establishing those rules made her life harder when it didn’t need to be. In hindsight, she says the year really showed her how improved communication could have made a difference. “It would have been better if I had brought up small things,” Pokorney says, so that her roommate didn’t feel attacked by a laundry list of complaints. And she would have been open to hearing her roommate’s complaints as well. “I'm sure I was doing things that were annoying her too,” she says. If her roommate respectfully approached her about it? “I would have appreciated that,” she says.
2. Use your emotional toolbox
According to Dorinda Lambert, PhD, Director of Counseling Services at Kansas State University, navigating new relationships is an opportunity to assess your own skills. “One of the things we try to emphasize is finding your inner compass,” she says. When you find yourself in a situation that makes you uncomfortable, you can target the problem area. Is it the other person’s words or is it the tone? Are their actions bothering you or is it because you aren’t sure what's expected of you? Finding your inner comfort level and getting that point across is where many students stumble.
“For the vast majority of adults, the biggest danger is repressing or avoiding dealing with conflict,” says Gary Harper, conflict resolution expert and author of The Joy of Conflict Resolution. “Most of us are raised to not be assertive, to not rock the boat.” So when anger rears up, we tamp it down, but the anger still festers. But you can get your message and your needs across without sounding mean and nasty. One of the keys to maintaining good, healthy relationships is to recognize when something upsets you and deal with it appropriately. “Assertiveness is the ability to stand up for ourselves without knocking others down,” Harper says. When you lose sleep because your roommate is up all night, your silent frustration isn’t going to prevent her from doing it again. But if you can have a conversation about it, you can take steps to find an arrangement that works for both of you.
3. Speak up if you want to find a solution
“Often, people avoid asserting their needs for fear of damaging a relationship,” says Harper. “But what damages a relationship is when resentments are repressed and build up and poison the relationship.” Keeping silent about your roommate’s habits because you don’t want to make them angry (you have to live in very close quarters, after all!) solves nothing. Remember, says Lambert, that a heartfelt desire to work things out doesn’t necessarily mean both sides have to agree. But you both have to be willing to ease toward a solution that works.
Experts point to the “I” statement as a great communication tool. For instance, if a professor graded you harshly, go to the office hours and respectfully say, “I feel this grade is unfair because I included everything on the rubric.” Saying how you feel is then not a personal attack, not so confrontational, and may help people change their behaviors, says DuBois. Of course, you don’t want to point out every annoying habit, so how can you decide when to speak up? Well, your body will give you immediate feedback, says Harper, and in many cases, you don’t have to say something right away. You might feel that initial rush of irritation, but if you don’t find yourself dwelling on it or you don’t physically feel like your stomach is in knots, then you probably can let it slide. But if you can’t shake the feeling, then you're better off confronting the problem and not avoiding it.
4. Tread carefully with technology
With all the ease technology brings to communication, it poses its own problems. If your best friend says something sarcastic about your bad habit of leaving dirty dishes in the sink, you can tell by the smile on his face that he means it in fun. But if the same words were sent in a text—which lacks body language, physical posture, and voice inflection—you might have a tough time figuring out the intent, and that can lead to strife. “Texts are good for keeping in touch, but when it comes to expressing emotional contexts well, it's not as good,” says Dr. John Grohol, founder of Psych Central, a leading online mental health social network. “When you're sarcastic, it gets lost in translation.” So if you don’t know how to take someone’s text, it’s better to call and ask, Grohol advises. If you try to do it with the same method that caused the initial confusion, you won’t have much luck.
Teens and young adults all appreciate the near-instant communication abilities technology offers, Grohol adds, and it helps students keep in touch easily. “But they don’t understand why some of their communication is being misunderstood,” he says. What if your friend texts news and funny comments to you constantly, even while you're working or studying? Grohol says you have to speak up because texting preferences are so varied. “One friend might love to text every five minutes while another gets annoyed if it's more than every hour,” he explains. Just keep it on the light side and tell them you enjoy reading their texts, but it's overwhelming you and breaking your concentration.
5. Learn to identify relationship red flags
One of the easiest ways to tell if you're relying on technology a little too much is to listen to the people around you, says Grohol. If your family and friends remark that they never see you, that your face is always buried in a screen, or that you never seem to go out anymore, listen to their honest concerns. If you're using technology instead of interacting with your peers who are right in front of you, that's a red flag that technology is interfering with your personal relationships. On the flip side, because college is a huge transition, many students look for stability from new friendships and romantic relationships alike, so pay attention if something makes you uncomfortable. Is your new boyfriend texting you constantly, then getting mad when you don’t send an immediate reply? Does he want to be around you all the time, even when you say you need time with your friends? If that makes you uncomfortable, then it's time to talk about rules and expectations, says DuBois. Relationships from your high school days may also cause discord. Many students find the college transition isn’t ideal for a successful long-distance relationship and it ultimately can't survive the shift. It can be tough to call it quits, but it may be necessary if you find this relationship stalling or holding you back at college.
6. Keep the lines of communication open at home
College is the tricky in-between time when you're fully independent at school but not so much when you go home for breaks. Even if you’re excited about your next trip home, there might be some disagreement about things like curfews. Before you arrive home ready to argue, clear up a few things that could get in the way of a peaceful visit. Figure out why it's important for you to have no curfew—do you want to be able to continue on your own schedule? Do you just want to spend time with your friends? Then switch gears for a minute and figure out what might be going on at home. Curfews are often given for peace of mind and security. “Frame this as a problem to be solved rather than a position to defend from being attacked,” says Harper.
Healthy relationships are not perfect relationships, but they're built on a solid base of good, open communication in which each side can express their needs. Being open to new solutions to problems is the best way to have a stable, respectful, long-lasting relationship. “Be forceful about what you need," advises Harper, "but be flexible about how you get it."
Add to your emotional toolbox with advice on communicating with your friends, partners, roommates, teachers, parents, and more by browsing all our content on relationships.