5 Questions College Students Should Ask for Making Conflict Work

As a college-age student, you are in a perfect sweet spot for conflict. So how can you navigate the many inevitable disagreements awaiting you?

As a college-age student, you are in a perfect sweet spot for conflict. Relationally, you are entering some of the most intense personal and romantic relationships of your life, not to mention separating from your parents and high school friends. And you have biology working against you too, because cognitively and emotionally, you are not quite fully equipped for conflict, as your prefrontal cortex (the area of the brain responsible for problem solving, foreseeing consequences of our behavior, and modulating our emotions), is in fact not fully formed and functional until you turn 25! This is why minors are viewed as less responsible for their actions in the U.S. legal system; they are neurologically less able to inhibit impulses, think long term, and make the connections necessary for sound, moral decisions. And hormonally they are in high gear.

So how can a cortex-impaired, hormonally ravaged, relationship rookie navigate the many inevitable new conflicts they will face with parents, professors, significant others, and new friends?

Our research on conflict and decision-making has shown that the following five questions—in this sequence of importance—can make all the difference in your life.

1. How important is this conflict?

There is no point to engaging in conflict if you have nothing to gain. You have to want something. A fair grade. Respect. Justice. Meaningful conversations. Something. Without a goal, conflict is just idle argument, ego, or noise. Clarifying your goal in a specific situation is the first step.

2. How important to me is the other person?

Okay, so you disagree with someone. Maybe a peer, a professor, or your new roommate. How much do you need this person in this specific circumstance? Do you want to maintain or enhance this relationship going forward? Can you walk away from this situation without consequence? If you have no need to remain in this relationship (for example if it is a one-time encounter), there is little point in engaging in conflict. Why expend the energy and angst? Conflict engagement is best reserved for situations where you need the other person. If you don’t, you can sidestep the disagreement and pursue your goals independently through other means. If you do need the other person, you need a strategy.

3. Is the other party with me or against me (or both)?

Are they on your side? Do they share your goals and concerns? Are they likely to help or harm you? Can you trust them? In other words, are there grounds for cooperation? Or is this a purely competitive conflict where you have to play hard and play smart to win? Or is this some combination of both?

4. Am I more powerful than the other party, less powerful, or are we equals?

Who is in charge here? Do they have real authority over you? Do you have power over them? When equal, a crucial conversation may suffice: establish safety, talk it out, resolve it, done. But if you have more power or less, it will take additional skills to get to the real issues and achieve your goals. If you have less power, you risk overstepping your bounds or inviting abuse. If you have more power, you risk eliciting dishonesty or sabotage from the other disputant. Ignoring power differences, and lacking a strategy for them, is always unhelpful.

5. What strategy fits this current situation?

Once you answer the first four questions, you are ready for the big decision: what should you do? Conflict situations are addressed most effectively when the strategy fits the specific situation. New research has revealed a menu of effective options for making conflict work, namely, by employing pragmatic benevolence, cultivated support, constructive dominance, strategic appeasement, selective autonomy, or principled rebellion. The key is in knowing when and how to employ each.

To learn more, visit www.MakingConflictWork.com, or read Making Conflict Work: Harnessing the Power of Disagreement by Peter T. Coleman and Robert Ferguson.

Like what you’re reading?

Join the CollegeXpress community! Create a free account and we’ll notify you about new articles, scholarship deadlines, and more.

Join Now

Join our community of
over 5 million students!

CollegeXpress has everything you need to simplify your college search, get connected to schools, and find your perfect fit.

Join CollegeXpress
Fernando Ponce

Fernando Ponce

High School Junior

College is a way of life that helps us find out who we are as a person, and CollegeXpress is a great way to stay connected with our future, even for students with little time on their hands due to the challenges of high school we face.

Joycelyn

Joycelyn

High School Class of 2023

I’m currently a college freshman attending Towson University. My major is Information Technology, and I plan to minor in Electronic Media & Film to achieve my goal of becoming a production engineer. Upon graduating high school earlier this year, I was awarded a $5,000 scholarship from CollegeXpress, which greatly assisted in paying my tuition. Truthfully, this financial reward was the difference in affording my room and board and tuition, along with other expenses for school. My family and I haven’t stopped celebrating my award since it was bestowed on me. I will never forget this opportunity for allowing me to get my foot into my university financially.

Caio Matos

Caio Matos

High School Class of 2022

Starting the college admissions process as an international student was daunting. Thankfully, CollegeXpress was the first website I used for that cause and it helped me so much, from knowing where to start to deciding what my next move would be. I'll take a gap year, but I’m certainly using the website again when applying for fall 2023.

Rhiannon Teeter

Rhiannon Teeter

$2,000 Community Service Scholarship Winner, 2012

I have spent a lot of time aggressively searching for scholarships. It was a long and frustrating process until I found the CollegeXpress network. This site made my search so much easier. With the simple check of a few boxes, the site sorted out scholarships I was eligible for and led me directly to the correct websites. Winning this scholarship has definitely given me and my family some financial relief, and CollegeXpress has allowed me to improve my chances of winning further financial aid. Thank you so much!

Keaun Brown

Keaun Brown

$2,000 Community Service Scholarship Winner, 2020

As I transition to furthering my education, I can say with certainty that it simply wouldn’t be possible without the help of generous organizations such as CollegeXpress. Those who initially founded CX had no idea their platform would give a plethora of information to a first-generation homeless kid native to the ghettos of over half a dozen states. Everyone at CX and Carnegie Dartlet gave me a chance at a future when the statistics said I had none. And for that, I thank them.

College Matches
X

Colleges You May Be Interested In

Saint Joseph's College

Standish, ME

Seton Hall University

South Orange, NJ